BLISTERS dice game


We don need no steenking everest
Half Ass Logic

Ok, ok, ok, I know what some of you are thinking. Stuff like that bad day on the mountain for all them famous mountain guides and plus those other folks on that '96 Everest Guided Gomer Show makes this New England hiking stuff sound lame. "Where is that beef?," you ask. Well here's top ten reasons why HAE thinks them Northern New England Mountains are just as bad a slab o' beef as the Himilayas.

Reason #1: No $65K needed.
The New England death zones are within a few hours drive of huge urban areas, residents of which are most commonly referred to as flatlanders. So there is a constant supply of gomers up in the sticks, easy fodder for well known treacherous northern winter weather patterns. Mount Washington is one example, as bonehead after bonehead has expired on that one mountain alone.

Reason #2: Mount Washington
The whitecapped jewel on one of the more intimidating chain of White Mountain peaks has an exorbitant number of ham-and-eggers dying on it, no doubt due not only to the exceedingly nasty weather but also attributable to the exorbitant number of gomers and flatland goons that try either to A) ski Tuckerman's Ravine like a total bonehead, or B) go hiking up the mountain like a total bonehead.

Reason #3: No Waiting Around
Let me tell you, to get frozen at Everest takes a whole lot of time. First ya gotta fly all over the world and climb all them other mountains for training, next ya fly over there and wait around in base camp, spend a few more weeks climbing up to and then hanging out some more at Camp 4 before you hit the death zone. In contrast the Northern New England mountains are well known for major brutal winter stormin' regularly coming down on ya'. It's just a couple of burger stops plus gas and you are there. A hour or two hike up and it's death zone time. That's maybe about 8 hours max. total from the start! And you will die if you are a flatlander gomer bonehead. So put that in your fat assed Himalaian expedition and try it!

Reason #4: Our air is as nasty as theirs...
Why bother suffering with pure clean mountain air and Sherpa hauled O2 tanks, when you can choke on freshly released paper industry effluence, thick campfire smoke and abandoned cabin dust clouds.

Reason #5: Who needs Sherpas?
Here in Northern New England, the locals don't share the same physical outlook and adventuresome spirit for money like Sherpas hanging around Kathmantu looking for the next gig. Ask a local here to carry some gear up and they will look at you like you're some crazed cult dude, mumble some nasty Yankee humor under their breath then leave. So if you want something up there and it's fucking like -20 out and stuff, you had better have had put it on your back. That is way, way back like at the start of the trip because otherwise you won't have it. And it's not like walking up steep snow covered trails with 50 lbs of stuff is exactly easy either. [Most brutally the opposite is also true; if you carry some stuff up there and you don't use it, or worse yet, it sucks and/or it's stupid, broken, or even worse you just lost/forgot it, then the other crew members, a.k.a."...the peanut gallery," will swarm over your folly and ridicule you mercilessly, while also reminding you that no, you can't dump it because the rule of the woods is carry in carry out.

Reason #6: Our mobile phones are free too.
That means if you dial 911 you get an operator on the other end. Now we all know that maybe 911 is not the number to try for some help, for that try your dealer, but anyway you get the idea. You are not reliant on something like some richie bitchie socialite-turned-rambo to provide an unbelievably heavy zillion pound satellite phone for your communications. HAE's exclusive communication system is under 1/2 pound, by the way.

Reason #7: Simulate the Trip At Home:
To get your happy ass up Everest you gotta train long and hard to climb mountains in places that cost big ass bucks for travel arrangements. Now that's bogus. Compare that on the other hand to the fact that it's way easy to train and develop New England winter survival techniques right in the privacy of your own home. Just walk around drunk and naked in the snow at night. You know that up in the great northern winter wood, where the frozen ice wilderness has just worked you over way, way, way worse then that wussy assed home practice session, you can not just go... "aw fuck it you guys, I just won't be surviving today."

Reason#8: Fast Food.
There's always a burger within striking distance of the "death zones".

Reason#9: EMS, REI, LL Bean
They are all right here! You break a tent pole or run out of papers on Everest, you're shit out of luck. You can be on the top of any New England peak, break a snowshoe, go back down the mountain, to the gear shop, get a new snowshoe, stop by the package store, chuff back up the mountain and still be kickin' back in camp before Happy Hour!

Reason#10: Same press treatment.
Some fool dies on Mount Washington and CNN even gets the scoop.

Copyright 2003 John Bellantoni, Tim Novak and HAE