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LOS ANGELES, California
August 1, 2004

Governor Schwarzenegger and the USDA Forest Service Call on HAE for Wildfire Control Efforts in Southern California

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and the U.S. Department of Agriculture Forest Service today announced a $150 million federal grant to be used to employ HAE, the nation's leading experts in backwoods deforestation and well known wilderness guides, to help southern California wildfire control efforts and address the proliferation of trees in Los Angeles, Riverside, San Diego, San Bernardino and Ventura counties.

The USDA grant will be earmarked for HAE's deforestation budget, including unlimited free beer, a case of saw blades, and an onsite double wide trailer with satellite TV.

backwoods beanheads
The HAE team, pictured from the left:
Tim Novak, Jim Fife, Mark Niermeyer and John Bellantoni.

HAE is widely known for the near fatal events on Mount Bigelow, Maine in 1987, chronicled in their online adventure classic, Into Big Maine. HAE is responsible for countless acres of deforestation in northern New England during their well publicized annual winter backpacking expeditions. "I have known HAE for years and I can assure you they are not 'girlie men' and will get the job done." Governor Schwarzenegger remarked earlier.

Tim Novak, one of the founders of HAE was quick to respond with a thumbs up, saying that he looked forward to "giving the forest a healthly trim". The other members of the HAE team were unavailable for comment but were seen at a strip joint celebrating the contract with a viewing of the local hooters. A press conference with the entire team is scheduled for later this month at the Forest Service Headquarters in Sacramento.

The grant is provided through the USDA Natural Resources Conservation Service's Emergency Watershed Protection Program (EWP). USDA/NRCS will continue to work in partnership with the DEA, FBI, REI, EMS, Alcoholics Annoymous and various overpaid federal agencies to ensure public safety and to address deforestation efforts on private lands. This funding is in addition to the more than $9 million needed for emergency beer can retrieval work in southern California that USDA will need to provide after HAE vacates.

"The recent wildfires caused devastation on a scale many of us have not seen before in our lifetimes," said California Secretary for Nonessential Expenditures. "We are pleased to announce this USDA grant which provides HAE with saw blades and booze needed for wildfire control efforts, as well as excess tree removal funding in Los Angeles, Riverside, San Diego, San Bernardino and Ventura counties."

The southern California fires burned 739,597 acres, took 22 human lives and cost more than $250 million to contain. Numerous cities and urban communities have infrastructure-basins, waterways, culverts, roads, homes and businesses-that are at significant risk from mud and debris flows expected from the burned areas.

Many homes are located adjacent to steep burned hillsides with no cover. Existing debris basins may be overloaded from empty beer cans and debris flows if significant urine occurs and several domestic water supply reservoirs are at risk from HAE's white trash contamination. Deforestation efforts will provide more erosion of upper class gomers that are economically and environmentally hostile.

EWP measures include reseeding burned areas with hemp plants, placing gomer traps on slopes, constructing white trash gun racks for easy shooting of road signs and wildlife, enlarging existing debris basins to increase beer can capacity, and paving entire wilderness areas for conversion to Skateluge tracks and skate parks.


Yep, that's right. YOU can be on the HAE team! So drop the saw, get out your wallet and click over to our membership page to get signed up! Go... NOW...

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